Friday, June 13, 2008

Hand over the cash or my dog will stab you.

Following hot on the heels of the ban on knives, the yobs of the UK have found themselves a new weapon.

They take their dogs for a walk.

There's nothing illegal about walking a dog, after all, and it'll take a seriously lunatic government to ban dog-walking in this country. We have such a government. I'm waiting for them to try it.

The new routine is 'hand over your valuables or we set the dog on you'. So what kind of dog? Rottweiler? Pitbull? Alsatian?

No, the dog of choice is the Staffordshire bull terrier. A squat and strong animal with a head that looks like it's carved from a single piece of titanium. The thugs dress the animal up with a spiked collar and wander the streets.

There's only one problem. The Staffordshire bull terrier is one of the friendliest dogs around. It can afford to be since there's not much you can do to hurt one of these armour-plated beasts. Safe to leave with small children, and a boon to burglars because if you bribe him with a good piece of meat, he'll show you where the silver is. This is not an attack dog, unless you're a cat or a hedgehog in which case you're done for.

If the thug says 'Get him', this dog will attempt to lick you to death, or drown you in drool.

Of course, you wouldn't think that if you didn't know the breed. They look very fierce, but they're big softies inside. Just don't dress up as a squirrel.

I'd be more scared of a poodle. Those things are deranged.


Chocolate Cobwebs said...

No, they're definitely not going to get far if they use Staffys as their 'attack' dogs. They obviously haven't done much research... a Chihuahua would probably do more damage to a human than a Staffy! What's next - thugs carrying Attack Leeches around in jars? :)

tom sheepandgoats said...

On the other hand, I had an aquaintance who drowned in drool. It wasn't pretty.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

I second Tom. And it's not like the furry perpetrator will be caught, co-opt Nigel Tufnel, it's not like you can dust for drool or anything.

Dr. Brainiac said...

Well, for the unitiated a big ol' dog like that might seem to be dangerous, but I'm with you & Chocolate Cobwebs - keep those yappin' little rat dogs away from me.

Romulus Crowe said...

Chocolate Cobwebs - hello!

Attack leeches would be scary. Like stabbing, but takes a lot longer and far less messy. Might try that one myself!

Tom - was it his own drool, or was he drooled upon by an assailant?

TGF - I'll bet they can DNA test to tell which drooler is guilty here. However, there might be a difficulty in court - I don't think we have a specific law covering 'death by drooling'.

Dr. B - I once, very briefly, dated a girl who kept chihuahuas. A long time ago. My most vivid memory was when she answered the door cuddling what appeared to be a black bat. Those dogs and I had an understanding. They kept out of the way, I didn't stamp on them.

The girl wasn't quite so understanding about our understanding. So it was short lived.

Some people are just intolerant.

Southern Writer said...

Aaaww. I'll have to check them out. I used to have a 170 pound Great Dane who thought he was lap dog. Had absolutely no idea at all how big he was. I'd like to say he would have those little yippy dogs for breakfast, but no; he would have made a good cuddle toy for a Staffy.

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